Summary of Exactly What to Say: The Magic Words for Influence and Impact by Phil M. Jones
Talking to people is hard. Half the time we don’t know if they are truly listening to us, as we double guess if they are even interested in talking to us, whilst nodding in agreement. This summary of Exactly What to Say promises to help us by revealing powerful words, which can hook a person’s engagement when used in conversations. Even if this book was primarily written for business relationships, everything in life is a negotiation. Hence these phrases are transferable into our everyday lives.
So, what exactly are these magic phrases?
Table of Contents
I’m not sure If it’s for you, but
Use this phrase when presenting an idea to somebody else – no matter how absurd it is – as it is framed in such a way to be rejection free. The subconscious brain believes that there is no pressure within the statement and is curious as to what you have to say.
Essentially, you are trying to bring light to an alternative concept that the other person has not considered yet. At the worst case scenario, the listener gives your idea some thought – that sounds like a positive to me.
Open minded
Everyone wants to consider themselves as open minded. It makes them seem thoughtful, relaxed and not overbearingly strict.
If someone were to be described as close minded it would make them seem stuck up and stubborn in their beliefs. No one wants to portray themselves as this.
It is undeniably challenging for the other individual to dismiss your thought, causing them to investigate the chance of said statement. It appears as though you are giving them a decision, when truly you are dangling the main choice right in front of them.
What do you know?
Some conversations end up as debates when the person believes they know more about the topic than you do. These conversations become tense as the other person is unwilling to budge from their position. Use this phrase to shift the other individual’s situation from one of assurance to one of question.
They begin to doubt themselves regarding their depth of knowledge. However the delivery must be non-intimidating, as to not escalate the debate further. Focus on resolution and establishing the facts.
How would you feel if?
In order to motivate someone else to take action, do not just use words but use mental imagery. People can be persuaded to act should they have a good enough reason to and even better if we can visualise what we’re trying to achieve.
Why is it that students do last minute ‘all nighters’ for their assignments?
I’ll tell you why.
It is because the fear of failing spurs them to put in some effort in order to prevent this. In short they are already aware of what the feeling will entail and look like.
Individuals are motivated by two things.
The potential benefits for them or the avoiding of misfortune. The reason for action needs to be big enough to warrant movement. The desired outcome must also be logical and reachable.
By presenting a future situation with the words, “How would you feel if…?” you permit the other individual to think beyond the present timeline and envision the feelings that would exist in the moment of the possible future.
Picking events that trigger both positive and gloomy feelings will permit you to make a reality worth working for. Likewise it sets others up to acknowledge your thoughts involving your methods to;
assist them with making progress or staying away from misfortune.
Just imagine
Similar to ‘How would you feel if…?’ you want the other participant to imagine the best or worst case scenario in their minds. Effectively they are making the decision themselves through their imagination. Decisions are made in peoples mind if they can see themselves doing something.
The participant’s inventive mind will create a more vivid striking reality based on their imagination, than whatever you might potentially depict. They will do the difficult work of selling themselves of the idea in their mind, you just need to initiate the process.
I’m guessing you haven’t got around to
There are daily instances when you are mildly infuriated that someone has not followed through with a promise. Rather than asking them how that thing went, you probably will need to begin the discussion in a somewhat unexpected way.
Open the discussion with “I’m guessing you haven’t got around to” permits the other individual to save face yet keeps them from utilizing any of the excuses they have prepared in their arsenal. As a result, they have no place to go in the discussion other than where you would like them to go.
By highlighting the negative situation, you push them to the positive part where they inform you how they will fix the problem. This works on the grounds that the vast majority of people live by their word and feel quite terrible when they are called out for not abiding by it.
You have three options
I don’t know about you, but I hate it when I feel as though I have been manipulated into making a choice. Everyone is supposed to be free and determine their own lives without anyone else’s input – yet we still listen to the opinions of others.
These words fasten the decision making process, as you appear impartial since you are giving them the ability to make their own choice. You are plainly giving them their choices, yet you now have the chance to influence their thought process toward your favoured decision.
By leaving your preferred decision until the end, you effectively fabricate the worth of that choice, so your favoured result stands apart as a reasonable number one.
The number of three makes for the other person to listen to you. You can make option 1 and 2 a stark contrast of each other, whereas option 3 appears more sensible and doable. Finish the options with a ‘what’s going to be easier for you?’ – which will force them to think about the ease of achievement.
But remember we’re not manipulating people, just merely giving them the options.
Two types of people
There are many individuals who can make someone interested in something yet fall short in finishing the deal. The final push is the hardest part. To assist individuals when evaluating the options, we can eliminate a portion of the decisions through simple choices. Choices become more straightforward when the decisions are polarizing. Would you prefer sweet or savoury popcorn for a movie?
Your aim is to generate a statement that offers a choice and then allows the other participant to select.
Inviting people to determine for themselves who they chose to identify with via the phrase “two types of people” prompts a near-instant decision. You can skew the results by making one person more likable than the other.
I bet you’re a bit like me
This phrase helps define commonalities between two people, whether they be friends or strangers. They are more likely to engage with you since they have established an agreeable sentiment towards your views and personality. Due to this level of comfort, they will listen to what you have to say.
Numerous individuals are not totally honest. You will have enough proof that makes it harder for them to contradict you by supplying evidence. You can utilize this arrangement of words to assist with eliminating the possible complaints by acquiring their prior approval.
Simply slide a logical claim early into discussions while holding eye contact with the recipient. Watch them give you the legendary nod of approval back towards you. This implies that they know you realize their feelings / ideas.
If … then
The framework of these sorts of statements have been programmed into us since our childhood, to the degree that upon hearing them our brain’s subconsciously listens to the outcomes out of habit. These ‘If…then’ statements tell us the consequence of something based on a condition.
Once again, we want to achieve the desired positive outcome and remove any negative outcomes. This phrase influences our beliefs, actions, thoughts. Therefore, we can mend the second scenario after the ‘then’ to make it so people are more plausible in achieving this anticipated outcome, so that people follow through with your logic.
Don’t worry
Now we need to look towards our more caring sides of us. People are not approachable if they always have a stern poker face, in which they look as though they do not care one bit about our wellbeing. Often people are nervous and have apprehensions about us or are nervous about a certain event which might make them look bad.
Remove the stress with the words ‘don’t worry’. As a result, you will watch the panic from the other persons face disappear as they have acknowledged that it is easy for them to talk to you.
Most people
Individuals gain their confidence in decision making through the prior certainty of others. Fellow humans like them have settled on a choice before them, which has worked in their favour. People need assurance that what we’re going to do has worked before.
Riddle me this. Why do people jump off cliffs into the ocean below?
It is because they saw how happy their peers were, when they previously jumped before them. Correspondingly this removed any concerns they had about safety.
Alternatively, you can use this phrase to differentiate the other person you’re talking to from the mass hive minded populace. Almost as if to say that they are special in their decision.
The good news
People get depressed talking about their abysmal situation. Certainly, you can almost see a dark negative aura emanating from them, as they bitterly speak about the unfortunate circumstances of their life. Of course they’re going to listen to you if there is a silver lining you have identified.
Turn this negative conversation into a positive one by making them face forward into an optimistic future which they can control through steps that are manageable to them. The conversation will flow in a new direction as you have removed any further talk of pity, which self-sabotages the other person.
Just out of curiosity
To engage with another person requires you to find out more about them/ their circumstances. This involves dispelling any anxieties they might have. After using these words in business situations were the recipient has worries, silence becomes you’re new best friend (congratulations). The ball is now in their court, so the other person needs to give you an answer.
It’s okay to apply a bit of pressure to the other person insofar as you do not come across as rude / overbearing. This phrase works especially well in situations where the participant is reluctant to move forward with your proposal, as they still have reservations.
So, it is your job to grab these reservations by the neck and throw them out of the window by answering their anxieties.
Phrases | When to Use | Example |
I’m not sure if it’s for you, but | When introducing an idea to someone without the fear of rejection. | I’m not sure if it’s for you, but you could look into writing as a full time profession despite your current lack of know-how. |
Open minded | When you are trying to get your idea to be accepted by someone else. | How open-minded would you be about trying to cycle to work once a week? |
What do you know? | During a debate, when trying to diffuse a tense situation | What do you know about the benefits of marijuana usage? |
How would you feel if? | When trying to motivate someone else to take action through the use of visual imagery. | How would you feel if you were bold overweight and unhealthy as soon as you hit the age of 30? |
Just imagine | When trying to sell an idea through mental visual imagery | Just imagine your parents smile when you buy them a back massager to remove that constant aching pain they complain about. |
I’m guessing you haven’t got around to | When following up with a person and you believe they have not done what you have asked them. | I’m guessing you haven’t got around to looking over the data from last year yet? |
You have three options | When the other person needs to make a decision, so you reduce the number of possible choices. | So you are stuck in a dead end job? You have three options: You could join a new company for the fifth time, having to be subject to the whims of a new boss. You could do nothing, playing the victim, as you accept your current circumstances. Or you can give this a try, since you already know ‘this-person’ and the company clearly want to hire someone with your skills. Which is the easiest option for you right now which will benefit you in the long run? |
Two types of people | When the other person needs to make a decision, so you contrast their personality alongside two possibilities. | There are two types of people; ignorant people who refuse to change themselves or educated people who read articles to better themselves and their deficiencies. |
I bet you're a bit like me | When you want other person to agree with what you have to say, making the conversation flow more easily. | I bet you’re a bit like me, sick and tired of procrastinating for long periods of time, so how would you feel if you could do at the minimum a sizeable piece of work every day? |
If…then | When you want to highlight the desired outcome of a conditional decision. | If you want a peaceful life, then find a remote job, where you have more control over your working hours. |
Don’t worry | When you want to remove tension from another person, as they are fearful of an event. | Don’t worry, if you don’t know what to do right now, that’s what I’m here for. I’m here to hold your hand when starting this process, step by step. |
Most people | When another person needs assurance in decision-making by looking at the choices that people before have made. | Most people would just sit around waiting for an opportunity to present itself to them. But few would actually attempt to make their own opportunities. |
The good news | When you want to turn a negative situation into a positive one. | The good news is that by watching Netflix every day, I'm sure you have plenty of opinions that you can talk to other people about. |
Just out of curiosity | In business situations where the other person is trying to put off making a decision for another day. | Just out of curiosity, what specifically needs to happen in order for you to approve of this idea? |
The ‘Help the Introvert’ Scale
Rating : 5 Stars
Pros: This book fulfilled its promise of telling you what to say and when to say phrases. It has a good corpus of examples to help the reader understand the different ways that they can utilise these phrases. The phrases themselves do gather the attention of the other person. Thus, they practically work in a social environment. | Cons: The book is undeniably catered towards business relations. That is not to say it is not helpful in everyday life situations. But please bear in mind when reading this book that the phrases are more beneficial in business. There are not enough phrases that the book offers. However what little amount of phrases that are covered are well worth remembering for the reader. |
If you know feel the urge to buy ‘ Exactly What to Say’ by Phil M. Jones, here is the Amazon link.
If you want to learn more about how to befriend someone, perhaps you might want to read this article.