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This article is a book review of Speaking in Thumbs by Dr Mimi Winsberg. In this Speaking in Thumbs summary, we will inspect the key messages that the book has to offer.

While we often look at verbal conversations as an area of importance, we ignore the realm of texts. Generally, text appears as a secondary form of communication containing its own subset of rules. However, for many texts are the primary indicator of compatibility, as they reflect a person’s conversational skills.

For this reason, we need to be aware of how to present ourselves in this alien world.

 

The Hidden Meaning Behind Texts

 

Familiarity via Text

 

On the whole, different people have different personalities. Therefore, it is impractical appeal to everyone.

Regarding the axis of familiarity, at one end is novelty seekers and at the other end lies harm avoiders.

For novelty seekers subconsciously attract fellow novelty seekers. They are defined by their enjoyment in new unfamiliar experiences. In a modern sense, this involves trying new recipes or visiting new locations.

On the other hand, harm avoiders operate within their sphere of comfort. Usually, they are unwilling to breach their comfort zones, opting for security and stability.

Nevertheless, it is universally agreed upon that people who keep an air of mystery around themselves are successful in dating. Learning about someone else should never feel like a chore.

First of all, popularity arrives from confidence that the other person will respond. Additionally, in every interaction both parties feel as though they are learning something about the other person.

Within the conversation, if you initially imply your imperfections the chances of later disillusionment will decrease.

Familiarity is a product of similar:

• Experiences
• Flaws
• Hobbies
• Likes / Dislikes
• Style of language

Essentially, we all want to associate with that which is familiar but in a new form.

 

What Texts Reveal

 

Truly, dissecting chunks of text conversations can reveal someone’s personality and temperament. Eventually, these traits come into fruition when we meet that person in real life.

But what if I told you that these behaviours were visible all along?

Overall, people’s tendencies and behaviours are apparent in our earliest exchanges. So now all we need to do is to train our brains to recognise these patterns.

 

Speaking in Thumbs Summary – 5 Personality Qualities

 

There are 5 big personality qualities, where everyone lies somewhere on the spectrum:

• People more willing to openness towards new experiences. Typically, they are inquisitive and inventive, understanding the variety of opinions and experiences. In contrast, people with low levels of openness struggle with change and abstract thinking, since they enjoy structure.
• Conscientiousness is seen by a person’s level of productivity and responsibility. Granted that some people are more organized / persevering, they are harder workers and planners. Opposite to these high achievers, are chronic procrastinators with a detest towards routine.
• People who rank high on extroversion have stronger friendship bonds and support networks. Undeniably, they thrive in social situations due to their confident outgoing nature. Despite this, introverts prefer events with solitude and loathe small talk.
• Agreeableness entails empathy, faith in others and respect. Moreover, anyone with high levels of agreeableness is encouraging, collaborative, helpful. Frequently they are the peacekeepers who are optimistic of others. Conversely, people with low agreeability tend to be manipulative, offensive, as they show no concern for others. On a positive note, they have acknowledged personal boundaries, working efficiently alone since they can make difficult decisions.
• Neuroticism denotes depression and anxiety. These individuals are characterized by their, panic, guilt, envy, rage. Problematically they are prone to mood swings and negative emotions as a result of their insecurities. Whereas people with low neuroticism are exemplary in how they handle emotional burdens.

 

 

5 Personality Qualities and Text

 

In brief, neurotics are the personality type you want to avoid.

All in all, their inner troubles are not your problem and should be solved via professional help. Undoubtedly, long term relationships will be stressful but can be offset by sex. Albeit, most neurotics have a low libido.

In addition, we can identify high neurotics by their choice of language in texts. Ordinarily, they chose pessimistic words, that make it sound as though their life is plagued by troubles. These words include:  depressing, awful, lazy.

An agreeable person often choses the words ‘wonderful’ and ‘together’. Often, they make use of second person pronouns such as ‘you’ and ‘your’.

Similarly, they talk in terms of the future (e.g. will, ‘gonna’).

Uniquely, individuals who are open will use the words: universe, art, poetry, folk, always.

Since we are on this topic, conscientious people are more likely to utilize the following: adventure, boring, stupid, completed.

Inversely, individuals low on conscientiousness speak in terms of the failed ideals (e.g. should, would, could).  

In summary, people’s language choices highlight their personality.

If you want to appear more sympathetic to others, then attempt to use the following:

• Hmmm
• Aww
• Haha
• Sweet
• Nice one

 

More ways to appear dislikeable

 

In essence more than one exclamation mark in your conversations make you seem insecure / amateurish. Although, you want to stress a point, you are now overemphasizing every little detail.

Another method to make yourself seem overbearing is to overuse emojis. Indeed, emojis are useful as displays of your current facial gesture, however they are open to interpretation.

It is advisable for you to only incorporate the basic emoji’s which can accurately convey your emotion.

Uniquely, people who are introverts are more likely to use emojis.

Why?

The reason being it reduces the complicated emotions into a condensed singular image.

 

Likewise, affective lengthening needs to be integrated wisely. For example, phrases such as ‘heyyy’ or ‘ohhhh’ demonstrate emotional intensity. Hence, we should be aware of when we use them.

Finally, people who endlessly message the recipient seeking for a reply, definitely show signs of instability. This flaw illustrates people who seek the validation of others.

 

How to Ask What You Need to Know

 

What is more, most people desire genuineness from their partner in texts, all the while they themselves are reluctant to. Meanwhile, people’s authenticity is damaged when they morph their own interests to match their partners, losing their individuality.

In light of these differences, complimenting the other person’s tastes validates their choices. Furthermore, these conversations have the opportunity of playful teasing within a sublanguage – which outsiders are unaware of.

Given that everyone is trained to hide their flaws, we all assume that everyone else is acting.

Therefore, everyone is intentionally self-idealizing themselves to strangers through text.

Correspondingly, asking questions is the best method to slowly peel of these veneers of façade. Consequently, asking the right questions leads to receiving honest answers, thereby fostering understanding.

 

In conclusion, short questions are optimal.

 

Alongside questions, statements could supplement an unguarded revelation, as many possible conversational routes appear. All you need to do is briefly insert a questionable topic into another conversation.

Subsequently, this is how to introduce deal breakers in a conversation, without directly imposing your view.

Nevertheless, a substantial follow-up into the inquiry is required to make your relationship reach a deeper level. Commonly investigative topics include: education, lifestyle, cultural background, family etc.

After the conversation we need to affirm that there is a degree of transparency.

 

 

Here is a list of ways to spot a liar

 

Speaking in Thumbs Summary – The Intricacies of Questions

 

On the whole, mirroring your partner gives them confidence that both of you are on a similar wavelength. This illustrates the beginning of forming a connection, as you are acknowledging without judging. Yet, this should be done sparingly.

After you establish a comfortable relationship with your partner, you can then throw a curveball question. Suddenly, you are reaching for an authentic unplanned different response. Needless to say, those with wit excel.

With this intention, developing the correct brand of humour can alleviate the stress of spontaneous questions. In the background of answering these questions is your brain which is used to thinking on its feet.

1. Afflictive humour connects with others. Common traits of these people are high levels of agreeability openness extroversion.
2. Self-enhancing humour dictates that you have a positive outlook on a bleak situation. Generally, these people are less liable to depression and anxiety. For instance, the situation is dire if someone does not message you for a while. However, you can mention how you have been sending them telepathic messages for a while, asking them to respond. Perhaps you need to recalibrate your psi receiver.
3. Aggressive humour puts others down. People who encompass this humour have less success in their relationships.
4. Self-defeating humour puts ourselves down. Self-deprecation generates a status gap and low self-esteem.

 

The Different Forms of Negative Attachment

 

When conversing with others via text you have to take note of their attachment style. Attachment consists of dependence on someone based on fondness.

Above all, we should be wary of people who are too intimate too soon. To begin with, they introduce large chunks of information in an attempt to immediately create a bond.

Instantly going into a relationship devoid of the necessary foundations is a recipe for failure. Suffice to say that these sorts of people lack boundaries and are people pleasers.

Beneath these types of individuals are those who assume there is a relationship without an assurance of connection.

On the contrary, there are people who are embodiments of the ‘flat effect’, lacking emotions altogether. Thus, they lack connecting with people since they are emotionally absent.

You can identify these people by their anxiety to respond, as well as their emotional aloofness.

Markedly, some people are hostile at first sight. Quickly, if you realize that this initial exchange shows signs of a bad omen then swiftly ignore them.

Likewise detecting inflexibility and a need to control the conversation, are tell tale signs of a control freak.

 

Chemistry in Texts

Deciphering what exactly chemistry is, is one of the hardest things to put into words.

Since it is more than just a special connection, here are some common attributes:

• Sincerity
• Curiosity
• Attention
• Validation
• Affirmation
• Understanding

Evidence has shown that people are unconsciously attracted to others when we believe we can read their emotions / expression. Henceforth we think we can infer how they are likely to react in certain situations. As a result, both parties have acknowledged the personality of the other and have accepted their differences.

Normally, couple’s with high chemistry often use the words ‘we’ and ‘us’ confessing their relationship as an entity. Ergo, ‘we’ presupposes that the recipient’s thoughts are readily accessible, so they are not alone.

In any event, there is still a healthy balance of negotiated freedom. Thereupon, both members of the relationship resume to grow individually. Yet, feel safe announcing new stuff into the relationship, in this renewed process of discovery.

 

Compatibility in Texts

 

In short, there is a difference between chemistry and compatibility.

Chemistry – derives from the unconscious emotional parts of the brain.

Compatibility – stems from rational thought.

Features of compatibility include:

1. similar personality types
2. getting along
3. joint decision making
4. similar values and interests

Whenever two compatible people text there lies a joint understanding of how to communicate and the sort of message necessary.

Affirming and complimenting someone’s weakness soothes worries of compatibility. However, compatible people are not always imaginative in text.

Unlike extroverts, introverts typically chose the safer more predictable roads, which highlight low chemistry but high compatibility. In spite of this unoriginality, there is the sense that both people are staying true to themselves.

Surrendering excitement does not mean that the door to exhilaration is closed. Rather it is defined within the parameters of the relationship.

 

Speaking in Thumbs Summary – The Love Languages of Text 

 

In general love in text comes in many forms and every individual prefers some over others.

 

Type	Information	Example
Compliments and affirmations	More often than not, people directly compliment a person.   But metaphorical compliments portray intelligence and intimacy.	An example of a direct compliment ‘you’re stunning.’   Conversely, a metaphorical compliment ‘the moment when everything is monochrome before you enter the room with your vibrancy.’
Riffing	In essence, this means bantering with no particular end goal.  That is to say this feels like a live conversation with ridiculous dialogue and improv.	‘ love how your just idling in the background plotting to take over the world.’
Spoon feeding	Sending a link that contains enjoyable content for the recipient.	My reaction to your appearance yesterday.
Nudging	Offering and providing emotional support. Typically, can range from a compliment to an existential check in.	No worries – feel better! Can I bring you anything?
Nooking	Simply put – it’s sexting.	In reality ‘xo’ acts as a basic example of nooking.

 

The Art of Understanding

 

Above all, when reassuring someone through text take ownership of the action. For instance, use the phrase ‘I hear / feel / need / do’. This illustrates you being present within the conversation.

To compensate for the waning passion in relationships, you need to exhibit understanding. For, one day in every relationship passion will definitely weaken. Do not miss out the chance to identify with how the recipient feels.

A comment as simple as ‘I don’t want to make you feel…’ produces an attempt to show empathy.

Empathy involves sharing the feeling of the other person but not participating in it. Since disagreements are a natural part of EVERY relationship, understanding the opposing viewpoint works wonders.

Moreover, most disagreements are fundamentally unsolvable and remain just that – disagreements. 

The way to solve these disagreements are as follows:

• Curiosity – keep asking basic question, even after understanding.
• Patience – take a second to step out of the conversation.
• Understanding – retrace your steps to see their version of events. Likewise, mirror, reflect back and prompt them for more.
• Acceptance – instead of using the binary labels of right / wrong , mention how you see things differently.

 

The ‘Help the Introvert’ Scale

Speaking in Thumbs

Rating : 4 Stars

 

If you enjoyed reading this Speaking in Thumbs summary, the book is purchasable at this link.

Similarly, if you want to become rich to appear more appealing, then read this article.