This is a book summary of How to Talk to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Rhodes.
Place yourself into the shoes of a shy introvert. You struggle to make basic conversation and it’s gnawing inside you.
One day you just happened to stumble across a magic lamp.
Undeniably you are going to ask the genie to grant you the wish of having the ability to speak to anyone.
The title of this book ‘how to talk to absolutely anyone’ sounds like the result of this magic.
But what are the contents of this secret text?
Table of Contents
Guide to Getting over the Fear of Speaking to Someone
First and foremost, you must get into the mindset to talk to someone.
Usually, fear prevents action since the mind assumes the worst case scenario. As a result, your own mentality prevents you from taking the initial step of reaching out to someone.
I’m sure we have all been in scenarios where in our minds we know we can befriend someone if given the chance. Yet our brain dictates our inability to act because the negative fear of rejection outweighs the positive possibility of a new friendship.
So, is there an answer to this problem?
Understanding that the fear is not going to go away anytime soon. Even if the conversation flows you’ll always be questioning what to say next or what the other person thinks about you.
It is better not to resist this sense of fear. Identify this as a body sensation in your mind, gradually getting more used to this feeling.
By doing so you can grasp a level of control from this familiarity. Detaching yourself from the person, should you be rejected, becomes much easier.
You have already done the hard part of reaching out, so now the ball is in their court. If you are unable to click, just simply move onto the next person, since nothing has fundamentally changed in either of your lives.
Have More Success When Reaching Out to People
So now let’s prep you for this encounter to increase your chances of success. (You can thank me later.)
When you ask a question to a stranger, they are going to think to themselves:
‘Why is this person talking to me and what do they want?’
To eliminate these concerns, think about how you phrase your opening question.
If you want a short conversation a starter like, ‘excuse me I’ve got a quick question for you’ will work just fine. In other cases you should acknowledge why you are asking them in the first place.
An example being ‘hey there so-and-so, I am thinking of getting into graphic design. What do you think is the best way to get started?’ Remember to put the other person at ease by explaining your purpose of reaching out.
Define your common ground with another person especially in a public space when talking to a stranger. It is beneficial to inquire about what their experience was like or how they did something.
Factor in the environment and what they want. Stay in front of the person within their line of sight, maintain eye contact and smile. If they’re still oblivious then saying ‘excuse me’ will work.
It is good practise to avoid people who look furious / miserable / unhappy because it is more likely that they would not be up for a general conversation at this point in time.
On a similar note, if the person is doing something such as listening to music, reading or writing it is best not to disturb.
However, if it is a necessity to talk to the person then the remark:
‘Well somebody looks busy today’ + [optional quick question] should do the trick.
What to Actually Tell the Person?
Now that we’ve covered basic etiquette for conversation let’s look into what we can actually say. I would hate it if you mustered all the courage to speak to someone, only for no words to resonate out of your mouth.
The three different types of openings:
- Situational openings
- Observational openings
- Opinion/advice openings
Situational Opening
In a situational opening you see something based on the situation that both you and the other person are present in. Take into account the background setting that both of you are in; school, a party, social event. Open with something that relates to your current shared experience.
Observational Opening
An observational opening is also based on shared involvement often at an event or towards an incident. It could be something you’re both wearing, doing or have both witnessed.
By stating what you have both seen you are reaffirming your shared experience. For example, if you have just witnessed a fight outside a station, an observation statement could be ‘did you see the brawl out there? It is getting pretty crazy.”
Opinion/ Advice Opening
An opinion/ advice opening is put forward to create a response that would be helpful to you. Since you are asking another person for assistance you should communicate why you asked them in the first place.
Another helpful tactic is to be within their reality. This means that when you meet another person make sure to mention what they are currently doing and your opening statement.
This makes the communication more relevant since the other person agrees with what you have just said. What exactly did you notice about what the other person was doing and follow this up with the question you have for them.
How to get a Breakthrough in the Conversation if Someone is Shy
If you are speaking to someone who is either resistant or shy, avoid asking an infinite amount of questions. Place some statements between these questions to spice up the rhythm of the conversation.
You could ask them ‘how are you finding your stay in this area’?
To which they would reply with something like ‘not bad’ and hopefully give an explanation into a difference they noticed.
If this does not occur and they offer a short response, you could then be on the offensive again at a different angle using statements.
Carrying on from the previous example apparently ‘from what I’ve heard your hometown is notorious for having a large amount of crime.’
One of the most basic ways to make a conversation flow is to identify when the other person has a branching point that they would like to talk about. If they mentioned how they went to see a movie during the weekend you could ask them a variety of questions as a result of this prompt.
From whether or not they enjoyed the movie to how the experience was like in the cinema. Just ask what you are genuinely interested about and mix it in with some statements/opinions.
Speak to Anyone by Sustaining the Conversation
Now we move onto how to sustain the conversation.
Stories have the amazing ability to visually place the other person within the situation you have described. This helps to communicate what you want to say to the other person.
The goal is to achieve a shared understanding of what the message of the story is. This builds rapport, as depending on how you frame the story, they will also feel a similar emotion as to how you felt. This can come in the form of humour or a warning.
As a token of my appreciation for you having read this far, here is a good story opener: ‘How would you feel if this has happened to you? Let me tell you exactly what happened.”
During a conversation it is a must to show that you are listening to the other person. Phrases such as:
- How did you do that?
- Why did you do that?
- I see what you mean.
- How did that event make you feel?
all foster engagement with the other party. Try to dissect what exactly they mean when they call an event ‘relaxing’ or ‘disappointing’.
These adjectives are cues as to how the other person strongly felt. You too should use outlandish words since the point of conversation is always to elicit a response from the other party.
Think about what their hobbies are and what vocabs this entails. A person who enjoys photography might be more receptive if you use words such as composition and frame within your dialogue.
The tone in which you say certain words also evokes certain meanings. The words ‘get out of here’ could be interpreted as a feeling of amazement or an angry confrontation, depending on what tone of voice you use.
Instead of having a monotone level of speech try to vary your tone of voice, To keep the other person engaged.
Equally you should match the speed of talking of the other person. If the other person is speaking too quickly you should try to speed up the pace of your own speech. That is, as long as you are still articulate and are able to be understood by the other person.
Never speak too fast or too slow. Just increase or decrease your speed of talking by a notch, so that the other person can process what you have said.
URGENT: Remember to always face the person when you are speaking to them and not beside them. It’s ok to think about what you’re going to say next (for the love of God take the pause). Accordingly you can take breaks in eye contact, but efforts must be made to maintain it.
Talk to Everybody by Avoiding Common Pitfalls in Conversations
Finally, let’s evaluate the common difficulties during conversation, so that you can avoid them.
Avoid explaining too much. Answer what is that they want to find out and make sure your point is easy to convey.
If you don’t know the answer tell them that in this very moment you’re unable to answer. Similarly, if you are able to, recommend someone who might know what it is they seek.
Use the word ‘but’ cautiously. The word ‘but’ tends to indicate you are going to disagree with whatever sentiment the other person has. This will cause them to get defensive and find evidence to justify their opinion.
A better way to frame a disagreement is to first say what is you agree on and then understand the position that they’re coming from.
Always try to respond rather than react. Try to keep a level head during conversations, establishing the facts before coming up with your own judgments. Think things through. When you are irrational the other person will also be irrational.
The ‘Help the Introvert’ Scale
Rating : 3 Stars
Pros: This book does give you the most fundamental advice on how to behave in a conversation with someone else, as well as how to initiate it in the first place. You have to be aware that talking to random strangers on the streets is by nature very challenging and suspicious. So as the book suggests look at your environment and explain your situation whilst factoring in theirs. As a guide to conversation, it gives you confidence in understanding how conversations work at a rudimentary level, making sure that you are conscious of the mistakes that damage rapport. | Cons: The book does not have a large plethora of phrases to use in conversation, so the reader will still have to think about what they are going to say on the spot even if you do have a level of planning regarding your outcomes. I know people prefer to have a script when speaking to someone, but now that I think about it, conversations are inherently unpredictable and vast. Also if you're picking up this book to work on your romantic relationships you should look elsewhere. |
Now, if you feel compelled to purchase the book, then here is the Amazon link.
Do you want know the phrases that force people to listen subconsciously ? Check out our article on ‘Exactly What to Say’ by Phil M. Jones.