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Introduction

When I mention the words ‘self-help book’ often the first book that pops into people’s minds is Dale Carnegie’s ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  This book offers techniques we can apply in our interactions with others, so that we can leave a positive impression and have a higher probability of making the connections that we seek.                                                                                                                                                                    After all, it is an innate desire in all humans to be able to form meaningful connections with our peers, but most of us do not know how. Think of this article as a summary of ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.                                                                                                           So that we can easily remember Carnegie’s principles.

 

 

3 Techniques When Handling People

1)  Do Not Criticize, Condemn, or Complain

 

Remember the last time someone you knew criticized your mannerisms. Now remember the subsequent bitter resentment you felt towards the person afterwards.  Clearly none of us enjoy being criticized.

Since humans are unable to admit their own faults, they resort to justifying themselves. This process results in people defending their honour to prevent a further humiliation. Thus, it is illogical to condemn the fault of others, when everyone has their own faults.

Instead, when we have a gripe with another person, it is better to see the problem from their point of view. Controlling your voice, it is useful to mention how your solution benefits them.

 

2)  Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

 

Everyone desires to be important. People want to be appreciated and admired by others. That is why they have dreams of fundamentally changing the world, as everyone applauds them. The question becomes how do we fill this void when talking to others?

Appreciation appears more sincere if:

-the person giving the compliment lacks what the other person has.

-compliments on something the other person has taken effort in.

For example, telling someone that you are jealous of their height does not appear as a compliment even if intended. Why? The person receiving the compliment has no control over their height.

However, praising someone’s work ethic or new appearance works wonders, since it gives the other person leeway to talk about themselves. Remember, people always enjoy talking about their hard earned achievements.

 

3)  Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want

As lightly touched upon before, everyone has their own dreams. When you want someone to do something from your perspective, it is beneficial to acknowledge what exactly the other persons wants as their outcomes.

A common sales technique when making your pitch, is to stress the advantages of doing things from your point of view. Therefore you portray yourself as someone who knows the answer to their nagging problem, whilst at the same time not appearing over-imposing.

 

 

6 Ways to Make People Like You

 

1)  Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

Depending on your personality type this will be easier for some people than others. Regardless, I want you to remember that this is a two way process; in order for other people to be interested in us, we need to be interested in them.

All humans are different from each other, having their own personal experiences and opinions. It is the process of learning new things about someone else and sharing your backgrounds that fosters good relations.

Attempt to ask open ended questions when talking to others, limiting the word ‘I’ – let others talk about themselves.

 

2)  Smile

An honest, not forced, smile makes a good first impression on others, as it makes you seem approachable, inviting others to talk to you.

Suppose the opposite was true and you met someone for the first time, and they did not crack a smile. You would be thinking to yourself

‘What a d**che! They are obviously not interested in me. We probably won’t get along so there’s no point talking to them.’

When you smile a positive aura radiates from you, as people feel compelled to smile back. If you are finding it difficult to smile, think about happy thoughts or something that makes you laugh.

 

3)  Remember that a Person’s Name is, to that Person, the Sweetest and Most Important Sound in any Language

This is self-explanatory. Names are an important part of our identity. It is imperative for you to take the time to learn and remember the first names of your colleagues.

When we address other people correctly by their preferred names, we are recognizing them as a fellow human, making them more receptive when listening to us.

From personal experience do not overuse a person’s name when talking to them, instead use it sparingly, otherwise you will sound like a pestering child.

Carnegie highlights a great technique for remembering difficult names. If you don’t hear the name distinctly the first time around tell them “so sorry I didn’t get the name clearly”. If the name is unusual ask how is it spelt.

 

4)  Be a Good Listener

To become a good conversationalist, you need to listen intently to what the other person says. Enter video game mode where you must detect the prompts which could lead to further discussion.

Try to make the other person elaborate on their statements / stories. Ask questions that they would enjoy answering by going along with whatever it is they enjoy talking about.

Nod along to show that you’re listening and that the other person is being heard. You can make offhand remarks as long as you don’t interject in the flow of the story

Do not needlessly force yourself into the train of thought. By waiting and replying afterwards it shows that you are a good listener.

 

5)  Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interest

6)  Make the Other Person Feel Important—and do it Sincerely

 

These two points have been spoken about before. As a reminder I will say that people do not not care about you, they only care about themselves.

Distinguish what makes another person superior to you/ what you can admire.

Here are some useful phrases when making a request to someone else:

• Would you be so kind as to…
• I’m sorry to trouble you…
• Would you mind…
• Won’t you please…
• And remember to thank the person afterwards.

 

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1)  The Only Way to Get the Best of an Argument is to Avoid it

Simply put, you can’t win an argument. Both parties involved always feel as though they are right. Even if someone does supposedly win there is a loss of goodwill. Remember that we are unable to change another persons mind.

Correspondingly, it is better to avoid arguments and diffuse tension by removing our own ego. Showing an appreciation towards the other person’s point of view.

Here are a few pointers to change your mentality when it comes to arguments:

• Ignore your first instinctive impressions, as in disagreeable situations your natural reactions are prone to be defensive
• Welcome the disagreement and be thankful that it was brought to your attention and is now an opportunity for correction
• Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and research it
• Look for areas of agreement
• Control your temper
• Listen

 

2)  Show Respect for the Other Person’s Opinions. Never Say, “You’re wrong.”

As we have already established, if you tell someone that they are wrong ,publicly or privately, they would feel the need to defend themselves. Always acknowledge the possibility that you may be wrong. Ask questions and speak in a friendly cooperative spirit, to aid conversation.

This is a helpful phrase to diffuse situations “I thought otherwise but I may be wrong, I frequently am and if I am wrong I want to be put right, so let’s examine the facts.”

 

3)  If You are Wrong, Admit it Quickly and Emphatically

Stop taking the high ground and just admit that you are wrong. Focus on finding a solution and gracefully accept that you were wrong in this instance and now move forward.

One backhanded tactic of admitting you’re fault is to self-criticise.  This would make the other person need to feel to defend you. But do not do this too often.

Don’t blame anyone else for your mistakes rather tell them what are you going to do to troubleshoot the issue now that is has appeared. It can be useful to explain your rationale that led to your decision when explaining why you are wrong, instead of resorting to defending yourself immediately.

 

4)  Begin in a Friendly Way

The best way of introducing your argument / point of view is to talk as if you are speaking to a friend, making sure not to belittle the other person’s argument. The last thing we need when making a suggestion is to speak to our colleagues as if they are a five year old.

Use friendly remarks such as “here are some facts that I trust you will not lose sight of” or “this may perhaps be worth thinking of”.

 

5)  Get the Other Person saying “yes, yes” Immediately

Finding common ground is a great technique to build rapport with another person. Ask questions that they will want to say ‘yes’ to, showing that you are on their side.

Consistently getting the other person to say ‘yes’ reinforces a consistent positive attitude they have towards you, which makes it more difficult for them to object when it comes to more challenging ideas.

Questions could include:

Wouldn’t it be helpful if you could….?

Have you ever felt as though…..?

Don’t you just hate it when…?

Do you ever imagine……?

 

6)  Let the Other Person do the Great Deal of the Talking

Let the other person note the good points of said object. Once again try not to interrupt them. When handling complaints try to make them talk out of their negative perspective.

 

7)  Let the Other Person Feel that the Idea was Theirs

No one likes being told what to do as if their free will is being infringed upon. Hence, they need to convince themselves that they came up with the idea you originally had.

What ideas and changes would the other person like to benefit themselves? In business it is normal to let the buyer sell themselves on the product before actually buying it. When conversing with other people you could plant ideas in their mind and it is not about the contents of the idea but rather the effects / the feeling evoked from the suggestion.

 

8)  Try Honestly to See Things from the Other Person’s Point of View

9)  Be Sympathetic with the Other Person’s Ideas and Desires

 

These two points go hand in hand and are just reiterating what was previously being said. You could attempt to follow the thought flow of the other person, as to not dismiss their ideas entirely. Empathy and making sure not to blame the other party goes a long way.

We already went through lots of phrases to use in this article, so how about another one. “I Don’t blame you for feeling as you do. If I were you, I would also feel the same.” By sympathising with their grievances, you do not appear hostile making them more willing to enter conversation with you.

 

10)              Appeal to the Nobler Motives

All humans have two reasons for doing an act. The real reason and the ideally sounding one. When trying to persuade a person to act, people are more likely to opt-in if the end goal sounds noble, ignoring the real personal reason.

Feed their ego and self-importance when selling someone an idea.

This can be illustrated by the act of charity. Whilst the individual might have altruistic ideals of helping the community and solving global issues such as world hunger, there is a high chance that they actually do this act to look respectable to their peers. In reality there is ulterior motive of trying to make themselves feel good  and they care little about the actual charity itself.

 

11)              Dramatize Your Ideas

 

The truth is mundane. It needs to be made more interesting, dramatic and vivid to the audience to make them hooked. When advertising an idea capitalize on the use of visual imagery to get the message across. Emphasize certain characteristics and suppress undesirable traits.

For example, “You are wasting a week’s worth of time per month if you…”. Amplify the feeling you are trying to get across.

 

12)              Throw Down a Challenge

 

One good way of forcing motivation from someone is to throw down a challenge. People always compare themselves to others, since they do not want to fall behind. Likewise by using the reference point of another person people are liable to feeling inferior.

People are motivated by: riches, fame, a certain lifestyle, etc. Reconcile their goals with your way of thinking to initiate action from them.

 

 

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

 

This section is a more condensed version of the key takeaway of this chapter, which benefits workplace relationships. That is:

 

Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly and talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

 

If there is any lesson that you have learnt from this article, I hope that it is to:

Never shame a person publicly.

When addressing a problem/ fault regarding another person, it is best to frame it as a suggestion. Concentrating on the delivery, you need to sympathise with their point of view. Let the other person save face by asking indirect questions instead of giving them orders.

Replace the word ‘but’ with ‘and’ in sentences, so that it is sounds more encouraging. This prevents implying that the person has failed in some way or form.

Utilizing encouragement, you could make the fault seem easy to correct. Simplify the problem into manageable chunks and emphasize how the person has already done something similar to this or has done something much harder.

Mention how you had similar issues, stressing your own shortcomings and experiences, describing how you solved the issue/ improved on the mistake. Thus, you sound like you’re coming from a good place and wish to help the other person. In some cases, you should mention the negative after-effects of doing certain events in relation to how you were affected.

 

 

The ‘Help the Introvert’ Scale

Rating : 5 Stars

 

If you are convinced and would like to purchase the book to read it in all its glory here is the amazon link.

Similarly, read this article if you want to know how to hold a conversation with anyone.